2015/16 God & St Peter Invent Football

God and St Peter have just invented football and are discussing how to have fun with their new game….

P – We could create a team in the west of London, that’s an affluent area.
G – Yes, people around there are used to buying whatever they want. We could put someone with loads of money in charge of the club.
P – What, like Harry Enfield?”
G – No, I was thinking more of a billionaire Russian oligarch, mind you, Nice But Dim Tim would do.
P- How about having two sides who continually squabble in the north of the capital, so much in fact that they never notice that nobody else actually cares.
G – They could have foreign managers who appreciate good wine.
P – Hang on a minute, north London is not good vineyard country.
G – Exactly, they will soon get used to the taste of sour grapes.
P – Mmm, we really can’t leave out the north west.
G – Well we do still have plenty of excess stock left over from the shell suit craze. We could donate the clothes, they go with bubble perms and moustaches quite nicely.
P – Oh that’s brilliant, lets make them believe that they are all hilarious, nobody can understand what Scousers are saying anyway, they will never realise that people are laughing at them and not with them.
G – For the north east we could form a team that thinks it has the best supporters in the land but in reality they have no other team to support.
P – Great!
G – Then we could give them an owner who owns a sportswear company who charges his fans twice the going rate for their shirts, come matchday they won’t even wear the shirts just to prove to the world how tough they are.
P – Hang on a minute, what about the rest of the country that wants to get on the super hype bandwagon? I don’t like the sound of those people very much, no integrity.
G – I agree, let’s make a team for them and name it after that bloke downstairs. How about the Red Devils!
P – Genius!
G – Inadequate people will come from all over the country and claim to support them.
P – Just one more question Lord. It seems to me that we’ve actually discovered quite a good game here, what about all the normal, decent folk who aren’t consumed by money and greed, what do we give them?
G – Well that’s easy, for them we shall create non league football, a place where they can watch a good game, enjoy a drink in the company of opposition fans and generally enjoy life.


This season Swan Confidential matchday programme is proud to support 4 year old Jaycee May O’Conner, a local girl who has Rett Syndrome.


The rare condition, that predominantly affects girls, stunts development of the brain and leads to rapid regression and a loss of skills such as crawling or sitting.
This means that Jaycee May is unable to talk and she also has regular seizures.

Her family are trying to raise funds to buy life changing Tobii Eyegaze technology, the equipment that will finally give Jaycee May a voice and enable her to communicate with others, something that we all take for granted.

For more information on Rett Syndrome and how you can help improve Jaycee May’s quality of life please follow the links below:




Artwork courtesy of Bravo Sierra Designs.

Photograph of Jaycee May courtesy of Rebecca Hall.

Originally published in ‘Swans Confidential’ the official matchday programme of Newport Pagnell Town Football Club.
NPTFC 0-1 Wisbech Town
United Counties League Premier
17th October 2015

© Andy Gunn


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